Rosebud Art

Hello all,

I just want to share a quick update. I haven’t posted on here in a while, but even though my blog and website are not very active at the moment I am still open to taking commissions for artwork. If you would like a painting created in memory of a baby lost at any stage of pregnancy or after birth, you can contact me in one of the following ways:

email: rlange7@live.com

phone (425) 492-4703

Hopefully in the future I will get this website/blog updated. But for now it is what it is. Thanks for all of your support and encouragement.

Peace and Blessings,

Renee Lange

I wanted to share this painting that I made for a sweet family in honor of their Ziva. It was such an honor to create this painting for them, and to express both their memory of her and their hope of seeing her in heaven.

Wow, its funny, my last post was titled “a break”, and that’s what I ended up taking… a long break from posting on this blog. Life has been full and I’m continuing to think about how I can best fit my art into my life along with being a Mom to two young girls, wife, friend, etc. As much as I love art and I am honored to make paintings for families who have lost babies, each painting is an emotional process for me on many levels and it takes a lot of energy for me to make each one, along with time. So right now I’m just holding this all with an open hand, or at least trying. This remembrance art thing is still in process and even if I do take a break from it at this point in my life I know I will come back to it. But I don’t plan to take a break right now, I just realize that the amount of time I am able to work on my art right now kind of comes in spurts. And that’s okay. It’s the season I am in. I just finished a beautiful painting for a family, and I hope to share it on here soon. The painting hasn’t been mailed to them yet, so I want them to receive it and give me the final “ok” before I share it with you. Anyways, I’m still here, I’m still painting, slowly but surely. And I feel like God is leading me to continue, to trust Him to provide the time to do it at the right time(s). I’m not sure how much I’ll be blogging, but as I am able I will continue to share some of what I am creating along with some of my grief and my healing.

-Renee

I have someone here watching my girls for me at home while I paint and blog. I am so thankful for that. But let me say, its hard to step away from the “Mom” role and do some work while I’m still in the house. At this time I don’t have anywhere else I can go to paint, and it works out best to have someone come to me to watch my girls. But man, it’s hard to not step in every few minutes, when my 3 year old is being, well, 3, or my 9 month old is crying and being, well, 9 months old. It’s actually feeling very stressful for me today to just be here and not do any of the mom stuff. But I suppose that’s good for me. To let go of control. Lots of times throughout the day in the midst of parenting I would love for someone to come and give me a break. Then when the break is here its hard to take it, at least when I am still in earshot of my girls. Can any other moms out there give me some tips? What has been the best way for you to make time for your work, if you do work from home besides being a parent, or just make time for yourself?

photo by Dugan Lange

This is the Father’s heart:
that you would know how deep, and high, and wide His love is for you.
Despite what you’ve experienced: deep loss, jagged pain, shattered life
His love remains the same.
And it’s not based on what you do or don’t do.
He could never love you any more or less.
Loving you is who God is.
Just as He loves your baby, your child who you miss terribly.
He loves them completely, he holds them and one day you will hold them too.
No matter what today looks like for you,
God is holding you and holding the one you are missing.
Rest in that truth, rest in His love.
Don’t let the weight of this world be too much for you.
Grief and pain may smother you for a little while (or a long while),
The drudgery of life may seem too much to bear,
Your ability to be joyful and carefree may have went missing,
Anxiety may be overwhelming,
but God is still there, His love is still there, His hope is still there.
Even when you can’t feel it.
Even in the darkness.
And one day you will laugh again.

–Renee

I like to have a to-do list and check things off and feel like I’ve accomplished something. It makes me feel good. For a little while. But then I just think of the next thing I need/want/should do and I’m never really satisfied. It’s like this unending quest. I want to feel good and be happy, I think that if I accomplish a lot I’ll feel good about myself and thus be happy. So I strive after “doing” lots of things. In the process I forget about living and being. I’m not a machine. My children aren’t machines. They don’t do things the way I think they should. They are their own people. I would like to have freedom from this cycle. I am just wondering how freedom comes. Certainly it is not bad to get things done, and it is a blessing when we are able to accomplish things. But I just don’t want that to control me. I want to know that its okay if I don’t get anything done. I want to believe that my value and worth doesn’t come from what I do, and that a deeper joy is available to me that does not come from the amount I accomplish.

What is true? I am loved by God just as I am, in my good and bad moments, in my weakness and strength, in my work and my rest. He is the lover of those who can accomplish nothing (in the eyes of the world)… infants, children, the weak, the sick, the elderly. Ah, how can I forget my heart for Anna? His heart for her? She could do nothing, she did not even have the ability to take one breath on this earth, and yet I loved/love her so fiercely and I know that He loves her even more fiercely and perfectly. Anna had so much value to me. And I believe she had value to this world beyond what I can see. She had/has value as a child of God, a princess, His special baby, created in His image. And the same is true of me. No accomplishment needed. In fact, if I get out of the way and  let go of what I want to accomplish then there is more space to actually let God accomplish something beautiful… in me and through me and in this messed up world. Now, to live that out. Does anyone have some tips on living that truth? I’d love if you’d share them with me.

I can hear God asking… “Did Anna have value?”  Yes, of course.  “Did she have value in the womb?”  Yes, of course.  “Did she have value when she was born?” Yes, of course. “Does she have value to you now?”  Yes.  “Then don’t you have the same value, dear one?”  Yes, of course.

I was blessed to recently create this painting for a family in memory of their sweet baby Marcellus Robert. One of the images they asked me to use was a hawk, and I felt as I painted that even though he was tiny and his life was short on this earth, his personality truly embodies that of a hawk-strong, confident, bold. I feel so blessed that this family shared their story and their sweet boy with me, and allowed me to represent him through painting and words. You can visit their blog here. I am sure you are soaring in heaven Marcellus.

My third daughter (and rainbow baby) Risa, shortly after birth.  

Don’t ask me why it just dawned on me yesterday… but I realized I gave birth to three full term babies (well, two that were days away from full term) in under 3 years. Yikes! No wonder I was quite shell-shocked after the third. It didn’t dawn on me before yesterday because one of those babies isn’t here with us now. I have two beautiful girls here, and one beautiful girl in heaven. And if it wasn’t for the one in heaven, I never would have chosen to give birth to three babies in three years. Sometimes I look back and really wonder what we were thinking getting pregnant again only 2.5 months after Anna died. Mainly we were thinking that we really wanted our oldest Rebekah to have a sibling (here on earth), yet also I remember feeling in my heart that I was ready to be pregnant again. Looking back, I think it may have been wise to wait a bit longer… but at the same time I am so grateful that I was able to have a wonderfully healthy baby and home birth less than a year after losing Anna. Anna was born November 26, 2010 and Risa was born Oct. 4, 2011. She was just over 3 weeks early (actually Anna was 3 weeks early as well). But yes, that was all craziness.

I really don’t know how I would have coped if something had went wrong with my pregnancy with Risa. Well none of us really know how we will cope until something happens though… how did I cope with losing Anna? Sometimes I really am not sure, but I know a few things help/helped: allowing myself to give in to the grief when it comes, and letting the tears flow. Having a (then) 2-year-old daughter full of energy who really didn’t give me the choice of just stopping life altogether. Having friends who would listen to me and love me in any stage of grief, without judging me or giving advice. Prayers from others. Going to a support group with other women who had lost babies. Taking time to be creative: dancing and painting have both been a huge part of finding healing and connection with God after Anna died.

It is still a process and there are still when times I miss Anna so very much. Yet I am in awe of where I am right now, of where God has taken me since Anna has died. I could have went to a very dark place spiritually, and for a while I did, but through God’s grace I have come to a new place of joy and hope. I gave birth to 3 babies in under 3 years, watched one of them die in my arms, yet I am still standing and even thriving today. And Anna is too, in His arms, in His care. Obviously there are ups and downs but today I feel so very grateful for all God has given me, for where I am, and where I am going. I am so thankful for all three of my girls, for what they all have taught me and are teaching me, for the privilege of loving each of them.

“As long as we live in fellowship with our good and beautiful God in his mighty kingdom, we have nothing to fear,  not even fear itself. For nothing in life or in death can separate us from the love of God. (Romans 8:38-39).” – The Good and Beautiful Life, James Bryan Smith

While I was pregnant with Anna I prayed so fervently for her to be healed. A large part of me believed that if I prayed hard enough, or just the right way, or with the right people or right amount of spiritual fervor, she would be healed. I would heal her by doing it, by getting the right connection with God. I said that God was the one who would  heal her, but really I was the one trying to do it. I was afraid. I didn’t trust God, I wanted to prove myself to God. I didn’t know my place, my position, in Him. I didn’t know what was already true. I am a part of His kingdom. And I am secure. Anna was secure, a part of His kingdom. She was then, she is now. Her being healed on earth wasn’t the only way to “win”. She was healed in heaven and never experienced a life of suffering.

There are so many things I do now know or understand about her short life and death. But I believe this to be true, God: You were glorified through Anna’s birth and death. You were glorified through my pregnancy with her. Through me choosing to carry her to term, choosing to value her life. Choosing to hope and believe for a miracle. Even though it didn’t happen. Somehow… more than if she had been healed. You were glorified. I don’t understand… but I feel like it is true. And I rest, now, knowing that nothing can separate me or her from You and the role You have for us to play as a part of your kingdom.

This is the second painting I completed for the painting competition, and this one is smaller, 8″x 10″. I named it Anna’s Field after our Anna. Even in a painting that seemingly has nothing to do with loss I felt  inspired to remember her- since she has in many ways inspired me to paint.